Via Chicago

Kia and I got back from our trip to Chicago yesterday. So much to say, I really think I like that city. I've never spent any real substantial amount of time in it, and this time was no exception but I felt like I got a better sense of it than any other time before. Probably because we had to drive all over to see everyone we were supposed to see. So for those of you who don't like to read, who are drunk, who only want the Cliff's Notes, or all of the above: Trip was great. But there was so much more.

For example, before we even got to Chicago, there was the trip there. Once again, I'll refer to the header of this blog. It promises "midwestern oddities," and this trip didn't disappoint. Soon after we left St. Louis, we were thrust (plunged) into the middle of nowhere. About 95% of the drive between St. Louis and Chicago is through straight, flat, unremarkable farmland. Beautiful, but pretty ordinary. Those of you who went to Oberlin may remember something like this. So we had to make our own fun. Things we saw on our drive:

-A series of small signs, spaced about 30 yards apart, that when read together said "Homeland security starts at home - guns save life.com". Ignoring for the moment the atrocious grammar, there are just so many things wrong with that. I don't think I'm even going to go into it. I mean, I like guns as much as the next guy. I enjoyed shooting Neil's beebee gun at beer bottles in the backyard of our house while shirtless and drinking beer as much as the next guy, but that was a beebee gun, and they were bottles. Full of non-alcoholic beer. I just have a visceral reaction to the idea of everyone thinking they need a gun to protect themselves against some unseen evil that's lurking outside their door. It's dangerous. They do more bad than good. Don't get one. Later on we also saw a series of signs that, when read together said the Lord's prayer ("Hail Mary, full of grace, etc.") and we both half expected it to end "guns save life.com". That wouldn't have been a shocker.

-A shed that probably housed animals, painted in brilliant colors, that read, "Start your day with pork!" That was less shocking or maddening than the gun signs for me, but to Kia, who is a vegetarian, this wasn't ok either. I think it was the bright colors. You never see signs like that in cities. At least not in such obvious ways. It's more like, "Start your day with this fatty breakfast sandwich that contains pork and egg-like substitute." There's no sugar coating it on the farm. If you have to go out that day and kill Wilbur, then you've gotta kill Wilbur. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do well on a farm for that reason.

-On the mudflaps of a big truck in front of us: "Alcohol, drugs, and diesel don't mix." Truer words were never said. It's odd to me to have a public service announcement on the mudflaps of a diesel truck, and a public service announcement for truckers, no less. You don't see many PSAs for truckers...although if you did, having them on mudflaps of trucks is as good a place as any. I think if I were a trucker, the temptation would be pretty great to take lots of caffeine pills and stay up all night driving, a la Homer in that episode where he becomes a trucker after another trucker dies in a steak eating contest.

-Odell, IL. We wanted to stop for lunch, and randomly picked this tiny little town on the side of the highway. Population around 1000. We went into the local restaurant, called "The Wishing Well Cafe". The only other customer in there was a woman who was about 80, who you could tell was a regular. In a town that size, I guess you have to be. There's nowhere else to eat. There was also almost nothing on the menu that didn't have some form of meat in it. But Kia survived on grilled cheese, peaches, and cottage cheese. So lots of dairy. If you're a vegan in Odell, you're screwed. All in all, a nice little town. It had railroad tracks going through it, and we got really excited when a train passed through. I love that.

-Once in Chicago, we saw 2 sets of Kia's aunts and uncles, one from each side of the family. They paid for meals, took us out to movies, and kept us out of trouble. All of them were funny in their own ways.

-Dunkin Donuts. They don't HAVE those in St. Louis. I have gone without for too long. The first set of Kia's relatives took us there one morning. I am complete again. I am whole. You can have your Krispy Kremes all you want. Give me my DD.

-Shrek 2. I liked it. It was good fun. Unfortunately, it was Eddie Murphy's best work in a long time. I mean, come on: "The Haunted Mansion"? "Daddy Day Care"? Eddie, what have you become?

-Shedd Aquarium, the aquarium in Chicago. Very good, but way to pricey ($21 per person). As Kia's uncle Gary said, "Too many kids and fish." We saw sharks, though. And beluga whales, dolphins, penguins, and otters. Not bad. And the view from there onto the lake and the city was incredible. It was a perfect day for it.

-Soldier Field, the stadium where the Chicago Bears play football. If you happen to be in the area, I'd recommend you shield your eyes. It's hideous. On the outside, it's still a memorial to war veterans, as it was intended to be. But they completely revamped and refurbished the inside, so from the outside it looks like a big spaceship landed inside this old building. It's completely muddled and half-assed. Either make it old or make it new. I'm all about new stadiums with older sensibilities. Camden Yards, for example. Gorgeous. Jacobs Field. Also nice. And then there's Fenway, which really is old, so that doesn't count. It's a shrine. But the Bears are stuck with a god-awful piece of crap, to match their playing style, and I can't say I feel sorry for them. I'm pretty sure that stems from my bitterness about the 1985 Super Bowl (Bears - 46, Patriots - 10). But who's got the last laugh now, huh?? What's that? Who's won two Super Bowls in the last three years? No, I'm pretty sure it wasn't da Bears. Ah, yes...the Pats. God bless the Pats. Bill Bellichick is a genius and Tom Brady is a star, while Mike Ditka is doing athlete's foot commercials and William "Refrigerator" Perry is somewhere right now 200 pounds overweight and nursing a heart condition.

-The Lyon's Den, where my friend Pete's comedy show was. Sort of a dive, but a pleasant dive. You feel like you could have a good time there, have a few drinks and enjoy yourself. Other nights of the week they have rock and punk shows there, and you could sort of tell. But Pete was great. He had about 45 minutes of material, which is really impressive. All of it strong. I wish him the best of luck in NYC.

-At dinner before Pete's show, we saw someone at the next table who could very well have been Markie Post (of "Night Court" and "There's Something About Mary" fame). We took a few pictures, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, but nothing definitive. To our credit, she did have a shirt with an "M" on it, although why Markie Post would be wearing a big "M" on her shirt is beyond me. Anyway, that was our brush with a second or third tier famous person.

There were lots of other things here and there, but that's enough for now. I didn't get a chance to see Wrigley Field and I didn't see Wilco. Maybe next time.