At least they got an A for effort

ESPN ranked the 25 worst teams of the past 25 years. I can think of at least one school that should be on their list...

I mean, where is Oberlin College? Where is the Fighting Crimson? Or the Crimson Yeomen? Or the Fighting Farming Yeomen, or whatever the hell we're called? We didn't win a football game for four years, and then when we did we rushed the field (all 26 of us in attendance) and ripped down the goalposts. At least, I think that's what we did. That might have been a myth, an urban legend if you will. But I'd like to think we did that.

Ewwwww.....

Popups are bad enough. Please DON'T show me computer viruses, in insect form, having sex.

Lollapa-letdown

So they cancelled Lollapalooza for 2004. This is surprising to me, given the success of other music festivals like Coachella and Bonnaroo and the popularity of some of the acts on the bill, especially the Pixies, who just reunited. Not to mention, of course, Wilco, the Flaming Lips, Sonic Youth, Modest Mouse, and a bunch of other bands (including the Dresden Dolls, which a girl I know from high school is in).

Rather than surprised, I guess I'm more confused. How could all those AWESOME bands in one place be a bad thing? How could you not want to go and be a part of that? Some have mentioned electronic file trading as the cause. I don't think that's it. Maybe after 13 years people are just getting a little bored of the thing. I don't really know. It's kind of sad. My advice: Blame Bush.

For the man who needs no campaign...

I wish I could post pictures on here, because this would be one time I'd really love to. Kia and I were driving today to a park that was strangely elusive, so much so that it required a stop at Steak n' Shake to refuel. On our whirlwind tour of suburban St. Louis, we saw a green yard sign, much like you'd see for a political candidate, sitting in a yard. It read, simply, "Jesus". A few houses later, there was another one. Sitting in the yard. Just "Jesus". Nothing else.

This struck me as funny for some reason, probably because I pictured it as an actual campaign sign, rather than simply a demonstration of faith on the part of the homeowner, which I'm sure it was. But I couldn't shake this idea of "Campaign 2004" for Savior of the Universe, or whatever Jesus would be running for. You'd see all sorts of smear attacks by the other candidates, claiming that he never REALLY walked on water, and that the whole "water into wine thing" was just a publicity stunt. And sure, he may have healed hundreds of lepers and cared for the sick and be the son of God and everything, but how is he going to handle foreign policy and a humungous deficit?

I could also picture the potential voters in this completely fabricated election that my mind created. Some of course would be completely for Jesus, all the way. They would most likely be the ones with the green signs on their lawns. Others would swing the other way and be totally against him. And some probably wouldn't care, as long as he knocked out the incumbent: "Anyone but Satan" (ooooh, that's good satire)

Funny that I saw this on Father's Day. I'm not sure why.

The joys of parenthood

I have a dog. His name is Teak. Teak is about 10 months old, which apparently is primetime for the rebellious stage in his life. If he could talk, I'm sure he'd say stuff like, "Whatever, Dad. You don't know what it's like to be me. You'll NEVER know what it's like to be me. You're not even a dog!" And he'd be right. He's also gotten more and more territorial as he's gotten older, growling or barking at people who may or may not be infringing on his territory. It's sort of cute, in a way.

Anyway, we were in the car today, and he was sitting on the passenger side, head out the window. We were stopped at a light, and a bus pulls up next to us with an ad on the side, like most of them have now. Teak immediately starts growling, which is pretty weird, because he usually just sort of hangs out and checks out the scenery while he's in the car. I look over at the ad, and it's for the St. Louis Zoo, and there's a big photograph of a polar bear from the neck up. Hilarious. He knew enough to identify the polar bear as an enemy, but not quite enough to realize that it was just a picture. Ahhh, kids.

Penultimate

Forgive me, I'm running out of good puns on the word "ultimate" for my blog titles. And it's still early in the season. They will only get worse. Suggestions welcome (Leavy, this means you...you're great at this sort of thing).

Anyway, another ultimate frisbee match tonight. We had 1 win and 2 losses coming into the game, but of course I wasn't there for the only win, so I was hungry. Hungry, I tell you. I could smell it. I could feel a win.

Without going into too much detail, we prevailed, 13-11. I caught a few points in the end zone, including the final 2 to give us the win, so that felt pretty good. And on the drive home, for some reason my mind was wandering and I started wondering if any good movies have been made with ultimate as the subject, or at least playing a major role. I could think of none. It's featured in PCU, the movie that very effectively satirizes almost every aspect of liberal arts colleges (I swear those guys must have gone to Oberlin), but not much else comes to mind.

I open up the floor: Any movies, documentary or otherwise, that feature ultimate frisbee in any meaningful manner? I await your responses.

Detroit Rock City

God bless the Detroit Pistons. It was looking pretty bleak there for a while for any team east of the ol' Mississippi. But the Pistons redeemed all of us Easterners last night. They toppled the Giant, known as the LA Lakers, to end a series that was about as one-sided as NBA Finals series get. They took it handily, 4-1, and if they had played their cards right in Game 2 (by fouling Kobe Bryant before he could hit a ridiculous 3-pointer), it's very possible that they could have swept. No one saw this coming. No one gave the Pistons a chance. And that's why it's even sweeter.

On a side note, I love that Kid Rock and Hank Williams, Jr. were at the game sitting next to each other, Kid Rock with cigar in hand.

Like me, only cheesier

In trying to find my blog online, Kia utilized our favorite friend, Google. She typed in "aaron bonner-jackson blog", and discovered that someone with the name "BonnerJackson Aaron" is quite active on dozens (literally dozens) of blogs, sprinkling wisdom and knowledge around like so much birdseed on the path of life that may never be taken again. Here is an assortment of what we found from this guy:

-"Ethics is not necessarily the handmaiden of theology" -- I don't even know what the hell that means.

-"Good people strengthen themselves ceaselessly" -- Em....alright.

-"It is never a mistake to say good-bye" -- What kind of advice is that??

-"It's safer to play with a man's wife than with his cliches" -- Whoa. I'm not touching that one.

-"There are no weird people - some just require more understanding" -- Not true. I've met some truly weird people, and no amount of understanding could understand them.

There are tons more. At this point, I'm pretty sure it's just a program that puts together words that sound deep or insightful, but actually aren't. Talking about ethics and understanding usually sounds deep. I just don't know how this program -- or whatever it is -- ended up with what is so close to my name. I have a pretty strange name. And I thought I was the only one! So to the fortune cookie writer who is doing this, give me my name back, and stop posting trite, pithy crap. Thank you.

PS

As Comic Book Guy would say, "Longest. Post. Ever."

Via Chicago

Kia and I got back from our trip to Chicago yesterday. So much to say, I really think I like that city. I've never spent any real substantial amount of time in it, and this time was no exception but I felt like I got a better sense of it than any other time before. Probably because we had to drive all over to see everyone we were supposed to see. So for those of you who don't like to read, who are drunk, who only want the Cliff's Notes, or all of the above: Trip was great. But there was so much more.

For example, before we even got to Chicago, there was the trip there. Once again, I'll refer to the header of this blog. It promises "midwestern oddities," and this trip didn't disappoint. Soon after we left St. Louis, we were thrust (plunged) into the middle of nowhere. About 95% of the drive between St. Louis and Chicago is through straight, flat, unremarkable farmland. Beautiful, but pretty ordinary. Those of you who went to Oberlin may remember something like this. So we had to make our own fun. Things we saw on our drive:

-A series of small signs, spaced about 30 yards apart, that when read together said "Homeland security starts at home - guns save life.com". Ignoring for the moment the atrocious grammar, there are just so many things wrong with that. I don't think I'm even going to go into it. I mean, I like guns as much as the next guy. I enjoyed shooting Neil's beebee gun at beer bottles in the backyard of our house while shirtless and drinking beer as much as the next guy, but that was a beebee gun, and they were bottles. Full of non-alcoholic beer. I just have a visceral reaction to the idea of everyone thinking they need a gun to protect themselves against some unseen evil that's lurking outside their door. It's dangerous. They do more bad than good. Don't get one. Later on we also saw a series of signs that, when read together said the Lord's prayer ("Hail Mary, full of grace, etc.") and we both half expected it to end "guns save life.com". That wouldn't have been a shocker.

-A shed that probably housed animals, painted in brilliant colors, that read, "Start your day with pork!" That was less shocking or maddening than the gun signs for me, but to Kia, who is a vegetarian, this wasn't ok either. I think it was the bright colors. You never see signs like that in cities. At least not in such obvious ways. It's more like, "Start your day with this fatty breakfast sandwich that contains pork and egg-like substitute." There's no sugar coating it on the farm. If you have to go out that day and kill Wilbur, then you've gotta kill Wilbur. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do well on a farm for that reason.

-On the mudflaps of a big truck in front of us: "Alcohol, drugs, and diesel don't mix." Truer words were never said. It's odd to me to have a public service announcement on the mudflaps of a diesel truck, and a public service announcement for truckers, no less. You don't see many PSAs for truckers...although if you did, having them on mudflaps of trucks is as good a place as any. I think if I were a trucker, the temptation would be pretty great to take lots of caffeine pills and stay up all night driving, a la Homer in that episode where he becomes a trucker after another trucker dies in a steak eating contest.

-Odell, IL. We wanted to stop for lunch, and randomly picked this tiny little town on the side of the highway. Population around 1000. We went into the local restaurant, called "The Wishing Well Cafe". The only other customer in there was a woman who was about 80, who you could tell was a regular. In a town that size, I guess you have to be. There's nowhere else to eat. There was also almost nothing on the menu that didn't have some form of meat in it. But Kia survived on grilled cheese, peaches, and cottage cheese. So lots of dairy. If you're a vegan in Odell, you're screwed. All in all, a nice little town. It had railroad tracks going through it, and we got really excited when a train passed through. I love that.

-Once in Chicago, we saw 2 sets of Kia's aunts and uncles, one from each side of the family. They paid for meals, took us out to movies, and kept us out of trouble. All of them were funny in their own ways.

-Dunkin Donuts. They don't HAVE those in St. Louis. I have gone without for too long. The first set of Kia's relatives took us there one morning. I am complete again. I am whole. You can have your Krispy Kremes all you want. Give me my DD.

-Shrek 2. I liked it. It was good fun. Unfortunately, it was Eddie Murphy's best work in a long time. I mean, come on: "The Haunted Mansion"? "Daddy Day Care"? Eddie, what have you become?

-Shedd Aquarium, the aquarium in Chicago. Very good, but way to pricey ($21 per person). As Kia's uncle Gary said, "Too many kids and fish." We saw sharks, though. And beluga whales, dolphins, penguins, and otters. Not bad. And the view from there onto the lake and the city was incredible. It was a perfect day for it.

-Soldier Field, the stadium where the Chicago Bears play football. If you happen to be in the area, I'd recommend you shield your eyes. It's hideous. On the outside, it's still a memorial to war veterans, as it was intended to be. But they completely revamped and refurbished the inside, so from the outside it looks like a big spaceship landed inside this old building. It's completely muddled and half-assed. Either make it old or make it new. I'm all about new stadiums with older sensibilities. Camden Yards, for example. Gorgeous. Jacobs Field. Also nice. And then there's Fenway, which really is old, so that doesn't count. It's a shrine. But the Bears are stuck with a god-awful piece of crap, to match their playing style, and I can't say I feel sorry for them. I'm pretty sure that stems from my bitterness about the 1985 Super Bowl (Bears - 46, Patriots - 10). But who's got the last laugh now, huh?? What's that? Who's won two Super Bowls in the last three years? No, I'm pretty sure it wasn't da Bears. Ah, yes...the Pats. God bless the Pats. Bill Bellichick is a genius and Tom Brady is a star, while Mike Ditka is doing athlete's foot commercials and William "Refrigerator" Perry is somewhere right now 200 pounds overweight and nursing a heart condition.

-The Lyon's Den, where my friend Pete's comedy show was. Sort of a dive, but a pleasant dive. You feel like you could have a good time there, have a few drinks and enjoy yourself. Other nights of the week they have rock and punk shows there, and you could sort of tell. But Pete was great. He had about 45 minutes of material, which is really impressive. All of it strong. I wish him the best of luck in NYC.

-At dinner before Pete's show, we saw someone at the next table who could very well have been Markie Post (of "Night Court" and "There's Something About Mary" fame). We took a few pictures, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, but nothing definitive. To our credit, she did have a shirt with an "M" on it, although why Markie Post would be wearing a big "M" on her shirt is beyond me. Anyway, that was our brush with a second or third tier famous person.

There were lots of other things here and there, but that's enough for now. I didn't get a chance to see Wrigley Field and I didn't see Wilco. Maybe next time.

DC take Deux

I realized that, apart from my sister, mom, and cousin, I didn't really mention the actual PEOPLE that I saw in DC, which was one of my main reasons for going in the first place. So here, in no particular order, are the people I saw:

Michael Moore lookalike
Larry
Larry's girlfriend, Lauren (I like to call them Lauren and Lawrence...that's precious)
Mithu
Steve
David
Meg
Erika
A bunch of drunk NIH kids I've never met
A bunch of sober guys in suits I've never met, all of whom looked pissed off as hell
A guy applying to med school who loved (LOVED) to listen to himself talk about how much he knew about med schools, what it takes to get in, who he knows at which schools...I wanted to vomit down his throat.
Melissa
Beth
Noah
Ali
Rosanna
Karen

There you have it.

The Windy Apple

Off to Chicago this weekend to see my friend Pete in his last comedy hurrah before moving to NYC to try and break into the big time. If you're in the Chicago/Illinois/Middle of the Country area, I'd recommend checking it out. And it's free. No loss if you don't like it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. No harm, no foul. Wrap and play. If there's grass on the field, play ball.

I'm gonna stop now.

Somethin's a Bruin

Ray Borque, a defenseman for the Boston Bruins for over 20 years, has been elected to the hockey Hall of Fame. He's probably one of the classiest hockey players the game has ever had. Congrats, Ray. And your name is pretty cool too. Anything that rhymes with "torque" has to be cool.

NOMAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

He's back. The Fenway faithful gave him a standing ovation in his first at bat. And he responded by knocking a single between shortstop and third. It brought a tear to the eye.

The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

I guess I picked an interesting weekend to re-visit all the old haunts of Maryland and DC. I was there this past weekend. And wouldn't you know it, the day after I get there, Reagan dies. I'm not really sure what to think of that. Maybe it's a sign. So there was that. And the next day was D-Day. And that's a big deal too, more for the French than for us, and with good reason. And yet, somehow with all of this going on I managed to almost completely avoid the media superhypermegablitz, thanks to my three good friends -- alcohol, Chipotle, and the Metro. I'd have to say that I spent about 75% of my weekend with, or on the way to, one of these three treasures. And I certainly wouldn't have made it through the weekend without them.

I got to see my mom and sister, as well as my uncle, aunt, and cousin, and his girlfriend, all of whom happened to be there at the same time too. My cousin had never seen the White House before, so we went over there, following the throngs. Once we got there, it was the usual, "Yep, there it is" type of reaction. Not much to see that you haven't seen on The West Wing or that movie "Dave", where the regular Joe Shmoe guy becomes the president. (I only mentioned that because I just saw some of it on cable again the other day. Great movie. My favorite part is when they sing "Tomorrow" out on the street in front of the cops). Anyway, that was the White House. I think my favorite part about being there is seeing the tourists who, instead of photographing the place, are actually taking video of it. Like they expect at any minute it will sprout legs, pull up its roots, and start running down the Mall, followed closely by Lincoln, Jefferson, the Washington Monument, and all of the World War II vets.

Other events of note from my trip:

-On one of my flights, I was sitting behind someone whom I was convinced was Michael Moore. I think it was the baseball cap and the thick neck. Anyway, it wasn't him.

-I became even more enamored (yes, enamored) with this album by the Shins. It's called "Oh, Inverted World". You have to sit with it and give it a chance, but once you do, kablam-o. I would recommend getting it. In the words of Ben Stiller in "Starsky and Hutch" -- "Do it. Do it."

-I must have seen about 14 trillion dead cicadas. It was pretty impressive, almost Biblical.